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"The Weidner's Funnies" The following information may not be pleasurable or politically correct to some people.
IF I'd Only Known ?
Some cute cartoons: Signs of the times
More cartoons: a little more risqué
OK, now you have to read for awhile!
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FOR THOSE OF US WHO
REMEMBER.............
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when
' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous,
not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was
the
host asking the questions, of course....
Dang I miss this type of TV shows!!!
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later): Loneliness!
And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little
heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump,
at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep.
Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger
at a party and you think that he is attractive,
is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends
to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than
three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say
it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,'
and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know,
but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture
more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more
growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a
gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided
to grow strawberries. Are you
going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not,
I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to
discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer
in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter,
I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he
will wag his tail.. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years,
what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is,
it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers,
is there anything wrong with getting
into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and
neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused,
but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when
Great Grandpa put horseradish on
his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer
period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby,
who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him
the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed
that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at
least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what
are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
"the blonde and the cow"
A blonde city girl named Amy
marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check
on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
'The insemination man is coming over
to impregnate one of our cows today,
so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just
above where the cow's stall is in the
barn.
Please show him where the cow is when he
gets here, OK?' The rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man
arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the row of cows and
when Amy sees the nail, she tells him,
'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with
an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady,
'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU
know that this is the right cow to be
bred?'
'That's simple she said, by the nail that's
over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says,
'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The blonde turns to walk away
and says sweetly over her shoulder,
'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.
__________________
The Red Corvette
A Calgary senior citizen drove his brand
new
red Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 130 km/h,
enjoying the wind blowing through what
little hair he had left. 'Amazing,' he thought
as he flew down the Trans-Canada towards Banff ,
pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror,
he saw a Royal Canadian Mounted Police
patrol car behind him, blue and red lights flashing.
He floored it to 160Km/h, then 180, then 200.
Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,'
and pulled over to await the RCMP's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Officer walked up to
the Corvette, looked at his watch and said,
'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me
a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'
The gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off
with an RCMP officer. I thought you were him bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the Officer.
The Hillbilly and the
Mirror
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life,
an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image
staring back at him, 'How about that!
Here's a picture of my daddy.' He bought the mirror thinking
it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home
he remembered his wife didn't like his father.
So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for
the fields, he would go there and look at it. His wife began
to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and
found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed,
'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with.'
Enjoy!!
Will Rogers, who died in a plane
crash with Wylie Post in 1935,
was probably the greatest political sage
this country has ever known.
Enjoy the following:
1.
Never slap a man who's
chewing tobacco.
2.
Never kick a cow chip
on a hot day.
3.
There are 2 theories
to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4.
Never miss a good
chance to shut up.
5.
Always drink upstream
from the herd.
6.
If you find yourself
in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is
to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have
to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience,
and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look
back every now and then to make sure it's still
there.
11.
Lettin' the cat outta
the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good
he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start
bragging about it.
Second
~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long
way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth
~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
Algebra.
Fifth
~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth
~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice
change from being young.
Eighth
~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth
~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called
witchcraft. Today it's called
golf.
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to
laugh at when you are old.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
a bad case of swine flu!
Never fart in a wet suit!
I think it's the coffee causing this madness?
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